Thursday, January 29, 2009

Battle of the bands.

Justina mentioned in her last post that there are slight differences in our personalities that exist harmoniously. She likes to sleep on the outside of the bed, I like to sleep near the wall. I don't drink vodka, she likes to drink it all. Etc etc.

The only big difference that has ever caused any discord between us is that Justina is under the (false) impression that the Backstreet Boys are in some way superior to *NSYNC. We usually just don't talk about this to avoid having to throw down with one another, but I feel like I need to just blow it wide open today to document the one weak spot of our friendship, in case anyone was thinking we are too perfectly in love to be human. Which is mostly true.

Anyway, here are the five reasons why the Backstreet Boys are embarrassments to Justina's childhood and *NSYNC is the ultimate boy band:

1. The gay members of *NSYNC are out and about.

Lance Bass, bless his heart, came out of the closet to absolutely NO ONE's surprise. JTimbs fucked Britney and possibly Janet Jackson, Joey Fatone has been getting bitches pregnant since like, 1993, no self-respecting gay man would rock that pineapple look Chris Kirkpatrick had going on for a while and despite speculation about his fashion choices, I know in my heart of hearts that JC Chasez is straight. As straight as you can be when you used to date Tara Reid and Eva Longoria, anyway. Plus, he was totes into girl on girl action, which is soooo straight of him. So *NSYNC is covered. They've got Lance. I'm sorry BSB, but really? You expect us to believe that you're ALL straight? Not a single one of you wanted it that way? Your band name is Backstreet Boys. Tell me there's no deeper meaning there. I'm looking at you, Howie.

2. Justin cried on Punk'd, but sry2say, there's no comparison.



This is my favorite clip from any reality TV show ever, including anything that ever happened on Being Bobby Brown which is saying something. I think I've watched it approximately 400 times. You know who else I bet has watched it a lot? Justin Timberlake. While he's at the gym, working on his fitness. Getting a blow job from Jessica Biel. Counting his pile of money. Taking a bath in a tub made of diamonds. And what's Nick Carter doing? Getting fat, re-living his glory days as Paris Hilton's boyfriend and beating up Aaron Carter in a house that he shares with all of his siblings. I think you see the point I'm trying to make here.

3. *NSYNC brought the jams, BSB did not.

*NSYNC's No Strings Attached album is the best product of the boy band era, hands down. "Bye Bye Bye," "It's Gonna Be Me," "This I Promise You," "Digital Get Down." JAMS. Even their first CD was good! "Tearin' Up My Heart," "I Drive Myself Crazy," (one of my personal favorite *NSYNC songs) and "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" were some serious songs to break onto the scene with. And even after the boy band interest had fled the mainstream, Celebrity was good as shit. "Gone" and "Pop" were pretty excellent jams. I'll give the Backstreet Boys "The Call" and "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" and that's it, and unless you're an irrational, biased BSB fan (thus negating your opinion anyway), you will obvs agree with me.

4. The Backstreet Boys are ugly.



When both bands first emerged on the scene, they were products of the Lou Pearlman pedophile brand. They were manufactured in Orlando, FL and unleashed upon the world for public consumption. We all know that Lou Pearlman's view of the world is skewed (peep the picture), but the way he styled these poor boys was painful. With BSB, he went for this weird, white thug look and there was a lot of white t-shirts in the rain, softcore porn stuff happening that is still confusing/disturbing to me. At least *NSYNC had a cohesive theme in that they were totally zany! Chris had that weird collection of hair on his head! Joey was obsessed with Superman! Justin had frosted curls! They were cheesy as fuck, but they embraced the cheesiness and made it work for them, whereas the Backstreet Boys became a parody of themselves and were never able to evolve away from the manufactured sexytime Lou Pearlman image in the way that *NSYNC did. Not to mention, *NSYNC just has much better looking boys in the group. Kevin has always been old as shit in a way that is CREEPY, Howie had Jesus hair for 87% of his time in the spotlight, AJ Mclean is a weird looking, angry alcoholic and Brian Litrell is like, a midget. They had Nick Carter working to their benefit, but see bullet point number two to see what happened there. *NSYNC has J Timbs (still fly), JC Chasez (still fly, if slightly misguided), Lance Bass is a decent looking man, and though Chris and Joey are not so much, they're funny! They bring the personality element. So, like in every other facet of their existence, *NSYNC > BSB.

5. BSB's failed comeback attempt = embarrassing

Kevin left the Backstreet Boys at some point and everyone said, "Which one was Kevin? The old one? Who fucking cares?" so the remaining members thought they could still forge a successful comeback attempt. They were horribly, horribly wrong. Absolutely no one was interested in what the bloated remnants of the Backstreet Boys had to say. Lance Bass has been trying to stir up interest in an *NSYNC tour, but we won't have one of those until Justin blows his riches on elaborate portraits and statues of himself, commissioning at least one to be created with the specifications that will allow him to have sex with it, so he'll finally get to experience what I'm sure he believes to be the unrivaled privilege of doing it with himself. However, that day will be far far in the future, and until they try and fail, *NSYNC still has their integrity, whereas BSB pissed theirs away quicker than AJ Mclean snorts lines off his tour diary.

In terms of the test of time, I think it's clear who has come out on top. *NSYNC, if you were wondering.

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